I look up to my white 3,5 X 3 m2 room ceilings, the air is pretty cold and I raise both of my hands as I tried to stare at them even in the middle of darkness.
Since when have my fingers and wrists become this slender? No wonder some things feel really hefty lately, looks like I lost some of my weights up to my fingers and wrists.
I put down my hands and tighten my blanket, so it covers my whole body including my face which felt cold, I don’t know is it just me or the air is kind of cold these days? Especially at night? No? Just me???
I used to be someone who loves the cold air, that type of person who turned on their air conditioner at the lowest degree so I can sleep like a baby until the sun rises.
Since when have I become very sensitive to cold? Morning sickness (Rhinitis) strikes every morning, I started to wear three layers of clothes even in the middle of a sunny day and carry two-three types of cold medicine where ever I go.
“Isn’t that mean you’re just on your growing-up phase?” Said one of my colleagues, and the only response I can give is nodding. But deep inside, I disagree.
The audacity to put just and growing-up in one sentence.
Growing up, only God knows how much I hate that word.
As I living my-mid 20s I realize how generalized and over-rated the definition of ‘growing-up’ means when that word mayhaps have a different approach for each person.
Those words, to me, sound more like a burden. Something that triggers my anxiety and ended with demotivation. Okay, I have to admit I’m not that highly-motivated person either on daily basis but it got me even more demotivated and scares me.
As if it’s something we have to do very quickly, efficiently, to be great, excellent, all those highly things which are, indeed, great.
But what if growing up also means slowing down, being normal but also making small progress? What if growing up doesn’t always mean going up?what if it’s simply growing? Without having to care whether we go up or anywhere. Is realizing your fingers have gotten slender, being sensitive to cold, and always getting ready for being sick also on top of the list for growing up?
People talk as if every time you’ve gone through hardships, suffering, being lost, or being trapped in uncomfortable situations are the criteria for growing. As if suffering is a normal thing for us, but (i think) it’s not normal.
A lot of things happen in my life, I went through so many up(s) and down(s) but sometimes it’s also stagnant, I don’t know which one of those experiences counts as a part of growing, is it the up(s) one or the opposite? a terrible day at work? family problem? Grief? Broken-hearted? or the sums of all of those things?
There’s a saying, that what we’ve gone through is something that shapes the present us. But I can’t relate to that opinion because if it really is, I wouldn’t be here today as Arin/whatever you call me, that you know. I don’t have to go through those unhappy experiences to be who I am today, I don’t have to suffer to grow.
But again, life never ceases to surprise me (and all of us). It’s always steering you to grow, growing up, growing slowly even when you only want a simple peaceful constant life, even when you tried to deny it always has it ways to force you.
